Some ideas on the best way to support a women experiencing Domestic Violence or Abuse

Remember:
She is the expert of her situation. What she is doing now may be the best thing to do for her to survive.
Maybe she just needs you to listen, follow her lead, respect her wishes and keep in touch with her.
Domestic Violence is very complicated, difficult to deal with and often very dangerous. Sometimes what people see from outside is only the tip of the iceberg.
If you want to give her more help, ring a specialist support service like the Domestic Violence Services in Longford Women’s Link and get more information.

It is very important that:
You don’t do anything else without her knowledge or her permission
And
Never confront him… she will have to bear the consequences

Here are some things women have said helped them:
No matter who you are, listen to me if I have chosen to speak to you, trust me, I know what I am doing

To the people close to me:
If I ask you to do something and you can do it, please do exactly as I asked you.
If you can’t do it then tell me the truth and I will ask someone else. It’s safer for me this way.
If you’re my friend or my family, keep coming to visit me and don’t let his bad moods stop you. It’s important I have you in my life and that’s why he is trying to drive you away.
If he is telling you stuff about me behind my back ask me about it when he is not listening, give me a chance to prove to you I am still myself!
Don’t fall for his charm, if he is asking you about me especially if I have left him, tell him to ask me himself
If he is telling you anything to tell me – don’t carry stories to me – I need him out of my head

To the professional people I turn to for help:
Learn about this problem, many of us, your clients, are being abused and you need to understand what’s going on
If you’re my GP or the staff in Casualty ask me if I am frightened at home or how I got the bruise. Maybe this time I can tell you or maybe I will wait till next time
If you’re the Garda I ring for protection treat my complaint like a crime – it is a crime.
If you’re the professional I ask to help me keep my children safe – if I’m safe they have a better chance of being safe too

To others helping our family:
If you’re worried about our children don’t think you know what’s right for them, help them feel safe to tell you what they need. Look at the evidence and don’t just listen to what he is saying.
If you’re working on his behalf you don’t have to collude with his violence, he needs to stop right now – so tell him to stop!

Abuse of power is not part of any culture, traditions or the right of a man in the privacy of his own home. Woman and children have a right to be safe everywhere in our community.
Please remember, the worst outcome for women is that they can be killed.
The best outcome for women is that the violence and abuse stops.
You are being asked to assist women in making their lives safer, do your bit!
They will do the rest.

Why Doesn’t She Just Leave?

24/11/2010

Angela Keaveney, LWL Domestic Violence Coordinator, explains why women remain in domestic violence situations.

Unfortunately leaving a violent or abusive relationship is not as easy as we think. Women tell us they are very uncertain of the legal system’s ability to protect her and her children. For some, the consequences of leaving will be poverty and some will face destitution. Others often speak about their fear of becoming dependant on social welfare especially if they were never allowed to develop their work skills outside his control. But what concerns us the most in the Domestic Violence Service is that ‘walking out’ seldom makes the violence stop. Most women tell us that they often feel more scared when they leave because they no longer know what mood the abuser is in or what will happen next. Surprisingly women still struggle with the judgment of their family and community and don’t want to be the ones to break up their relationship. This is probably why less than 30% of women we work with actually leave the relationship.

Women often worry about their children and what is the best thing to do for them. As one women said “at least when we live with him I can shoo them up to bed when he is starting off, how could I keep them safe when he has them off on access?” Domestic Violence is complicated and we consider the woman the best judge of her family’s situation. Therefore we never give advice or “make” women do anything because we do not have to live with the decision. The fact is abusers have killed their victims. 166 women have been murdered in Ireland since 1996, and in most cases the murderer was the woman’s current partner or former partner.

In Longford Women’s Link alone we have worked with 660 women from 2005 to 2009 and they have time and time again shown us how important it is to listen to them and support them with their plans to be safe. We spend much of our time dispelling mis-information on things like Barring Orders. Women have been told that they can “walk into court and get him put out to teach him a lesson”. That is not the reality as we know it. A Barring Order means the abuser must leave the family home and the courts need factual visible evidence that a victim is in immediate risk of serious harm. She must produce this evidence. For too many women access to any order is blocked by their ineligibility to apply in the first place.

We have had the privilege of working beside some of the most resilient and resourceful women in Longford, women who struggle to manage violence and abuse in their lives with dignity and do so in silence. We know that there are very few people that condone violence against women and we really believe that women need to hear and see that you are one of these people. Join us to “Break the Silence” on the 26th of November on the Walk of Remembrance (Market Square at 12.50pm) or come to the Library and view our exhibition (Longford town Library 1.30pm)

Why I can’t leave – a woman’s account of domestic violence

17/11/2010

Leaving a domestic violence situation is very difficult and many people assume that the abuse ends once the victim and perpetrator are apart. However this is not always the case. This is Mary’s Story.* Mary is 40, married with 3 children and has been living with domestic violence for the past fifteen years.

In her own words, she explains what happened three years ago when she tried to escape domestic abuse by getting a Barring Order against her husband.

“You know I did try to leave. I got a barring order. But then he brought me back to court for access visits to the children. I didn’t mind that but I had to bring the children to the access visits myself every week because there was nobody else to do it. People didn’t want to get involved in domestic situations. When I was dropping the children off, the stuff he said to me through the car window was disgusting. He didn’t care about what the children heard. I said nothing in return; I just wanted him to calm down.

I couldn’t believe the things he did to make our life hell while he was barred. He made all these complaints about me to the social workers and they called to the house every time. He said I didn’t feed the children – of course I did. I showed them my cupboards and the till receipt from Tesco. He said he didn’t like the way I dressed the children but he never said a thing about that when we were together. He interrogated the children about who I was talking to and where I was all week, when all they wanted was to have some fun with him. They came home to me crying and begging me to make him stop badgering them. In the end I had enough. I just went back. I am trying to live with it because he is too cunning. I can keep a eye on the children and make sure they are safe this way. I have another 5 years to go and then I’ll leave and I’ll be free.”

LWL is highlighting domestic violence issues during the 16 Days of Action Opposing Violence Against Women campaign. The 16 Days run from November 25th to December 10th 2010, during these dates a number of events will take place including an exhibition on domestic violence which will be on display in the Library and a Walk of Remembrance which will take place on November 26th to remember the 166 women who died as a result of violence in Ireland.

*names have been changed to protect identity.